Monday, April 25, 2011

Another Wakeup Call; Hello, is anybody home?

Hello.  Queen of denial here.  How many ways can I spin the incoming data so that it looks how I want it to?  Lily has returned to school, and I have bent myself into a super pretzel, making accommodations and demanding accommodations from the school in order to try to keep Lily stable.  Some of that was perfectly reasonable.  But perhaps not so realistic.

More damaging is that I've kept Lily so sheltered that other people, even people we love, have a hard time being around us.  Lily freaks out about so many things, sounds, smells, touch, proximity to any animal product.  And her reactions are loud and emotional.  No one can be normal around Lily, we're all on guard lest we upset her.  And I've allowed and encouraged that.  Because I don't want her institutionalized.

So her fragile friendships are suffering, and our family relationships are suffering as well.  Everything in our life is subject to the Lily question.  Will this upset Lily?  I've written about some of these limitations before, and I've addressed our need to live a more normal life, with appropriate boundaries.  But as I've tried to support Lily's transition into school and her social world, I've given her lots of slack.  In retrospect, that has been damaging.

So we had a heart to heart today.  We can't go on like this.  She has to try to learn to live in the real world, or she has to live in an environment more regulated than I can provide at home.  It's not just about comfort level or relationships, I have to be able to work a regular schedule, and I'd dearly love to return to school to finish my five classes to graduate.

I have to believe Lily can function better than she is now.  That she can participate in cognitive behavioral therapy to more successfully handle her OCD issues, and that she will allow us to adjust her meds to help her feel calmer, more in control.  It's time for change again.