Fighting back after our recent difficulties. The layers of what goes on are sometimes baffling, but interesting. Although I'd like clear cut answers, I am beginning to accept that there are none. Part of that acceptance comes from understanding that I need to forge a middle ground between professional advice, or lack of advice, and my own instincts. For the past year, I've been too afraid to recognize or follow my instincts. I'm not a professional, my knowledge about these issues is minimal. But in the absence of clear directives, we have waffled about and the uncertainty goes against my maternal nature. Or maybe that's really just my personal need to have a greater level of control, maternal or otherwise.
I'm ineffective when I'm uncertain. That doesn't serve Lily, or the rest of us. So I'm making changes. Pretty big ones. But the actions feel so good, and I hope they're the right moves; I'm so happy to be deciding something and forging a plan.
Lily is still too unstable to leave alone, and I have been unable to find adequate care in our small city. We're buried under rising debt. Having to make daily decisions about calling in to the office because I can't be there undoes me. My amazing manager knows I won't be in, but I feel the obligation keenly, and not being able to meet my work obligations frustrates me to no end. It feels like an unending failure.
So I'm taking the pressure off, I'm retiring. My small cash out will be enough to keep us afloat during this next year. Having the means to deal with creditors means a great deal to me. I am determined to meet my obligations. And by handling those two issues, my feelings about work and debt, I free up energy to deal with Lily's health, my own health, and family relationships.
It's certainly a bit scary to let go of my connection to work and my benefits. But I have a plan, have been receiving good advice, and believe this can work. What we've been doing doesn't work anyway.
Control may be an illusion, but it's one I hold dear. Viva la Control!
