Cool Kids, Geeks and Blessings

Life has recently kept me from my keyboard, and I've missed writing, but life has also been so very good recently!  Lily is functioning, beautifully, mostly normally, and that allows our family to function normally.  I am so damn grateful.  Truly, gushingly, tears of joyfully, grateful.

Lily is managing school.  Since our last set-to about attending (see Drama Drama Drama) she has been ready to go each morning with little or no drama.  She's not always happy about it, but she's doing it.  And . . . she's connecting socially with other students!  Not just the group of girls she thinks she wants to be friends with, but other kids in her classes who, it turns out, are actually nice.

If you haven't yet been through this kind of social torture, adolescent girls band together and either let you know you're really cool, or let you know they're only letting you hang out with them as a favor to you.  Not in so many words, but by cell phone manipulation.  You call and they answer, you're in.  You call and get their voicemail, don't expect a call back in this decade.

Lily thinks she wants to be in with these mean girls.  And it ticks me off that they're callous.  But meanwhile, Lily is becoming closer to kids you wouldn't find in the cool kid lineup.  I love it.  These are not the kids you'll find partying on the beach Saturday night.  They're kids who have quirks not so different from Lily, or at least quite different from the average popular kid.  So, they're more accepting of Lily if she says something a bit off, if she misses the social cues that fuel the in-crowd.

So being a mean mom has allowed me to give Lily the gift of normalcy.  She can be aggravated, bugged, repulsed, or just embarrassed by my mere presence.  She can be at school where a shared experience makes allies of unlikely souls, banded together by totally having to put up with their uncool parents and the oppressive regime of high school.  They are a motley group of survivors in modern society.

Thank you Spirit, Lord, Universe, for the blessing of a kid who is not cool.  Viva la difference!

High Drama, Good and Rough Times

Yesterday you could have knocked me over with a feather!  Heck, I would have somersaulted and rolled with it! Lila and I went to the market, both of us in good spirits.  When we got out of the car and walked across the parking lot, Lily put her arm around my waist and wanted to duck walk with me to the store entrance.  Seriously.  So we did, laughing all the way.

My daughter voluntarily displayed physical affection.  To me.  I'm still stunned.

Later in the evening she was stressed out about homework, and got teary.  She has one particularly intense teacher and she doesn't yet know how to deal with his energy.  After listening to him on back to school night, I'd say he's a bit different.  Eccentric, but not necessarily accepting of others' differences.

So, I helped her with her homework, rubbed her back and got her settled in bed.  This morning she got up and got ready, but balked when we pulled up to the school.  She had an anxious reaction, upset stomach and tight throat.  I spent a few minutes trying to reason with her  and get her to just go to class, but eventually I needed to drive to my son's school to drop him off.  Lily went with me, so I found a nice place to park after getting her brother to school.  I gave Lily some ativan to take the edge off the anxiety, and we talked through some of what's bothering her at school.  She couldn't pull it together enough to go to school at that point, so we headed home, with the understanding that she wouldn't have access to electronic entertainment until she returned to school.

I was so disappointed and frustrated.  Angry at myself for not getting her to go to school, frustrated with her for not just sucking it up.  I put on some music, one of my favorites things to do, and went home to clean house.  I missed out on my walk (I tried with Lily but she didn't feel well) and my peaceful morning to myself.  I canceled an appointment. 

Lily finally was ready to try to go to class after lunch.  She was going in time to sit in on the dreaded teacher's class, so I have to give her credit.  She's trying.

But I'm super sensitized to the fear of backsliding.  I can't go back and give up my classes, the dancing, the progress we've made on the home front.  I don't want her to slide back into depression and fear.  I want to see more of the laughter and affection.  I do realize she's made incredible strides.  That's all the more reason to want to see it continue.  I think we were mistaken about the level of illness and her inability to cope last year.  She can do more than we realized.  But I need more help keeping her on track.  I need a better game plan, so that we don't flounder before school.  I know our therapists will help with that.  Thank goodness.