Saturday, October 2, 2010

Love, not Crackers

No hallucinations for the last 3 days - am holding my breath.  If we could just have things stay steady for a while, just a while.  My nerves could sure use a break.  And the kids could stand to have a reasonably minded mom around again.  I'm so tense, so fried - I can hardly stand to be around me.

Got to rub feet and backs tonight for a little while, and was able to be tender and remember my babies are the loves of my life.  For real.  No one else, no friend, no man, no other family, can hold a candle to my children, each and every one.

It's weird though, that my feelings towards my kids, loyalty, steadfastness, deep love, contrast so sharply with how I was raised.  It brings my abandonment issues up right now, because my mom isn't able to help me.  She's not capable of being patient or loving towards my daughter.  She's unkind, makes things worse.  I feel so angry about that, that she'd be cruel to my Lily, who needs so much love right now. 

And she keeps coming around, telling me she's here for me, that she'd like to help.  I don't want the little things she's compelled to bring over.  Crackers, magazines, articles, vitamins.  I know she means well, as well as she can.  But those things don't mean anything right now.  Not a damn thing.  I need love and patience.  Lily needs love and patience.  We need peace, and sleep, and kindness that can't be bottled.  And she doesn't have it.

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