grumpy grumpy mom

Lily did great her first week at school, and really, really well the second week!  Yay yay yay!!!

So why am I so grumpy?  She's making progress, and I'm back at work for a few hours a week - which I'm thrilled about.  The difficulty is that Lily has had a few hallucinations over the past week and a half, maybe due to the stress.  But she's also getting more aggressive with her brother, bordering on violence with definite physical threats, and that worries me.

I spend my nights imagining horrible scenarios, trying to figure out the logistics, if A happens then how do I handle B, and - oh my goodness, the worries escalate.  So, I'm borrowing trouble, but also trying not to get caught completely off guard like I have been before.

Our meeting with Dr. Chang at Stanford was so great!  He's brilliant and personable, and Lily spent an hour with him, disclosing things she hasn't brought up before.  So in my book, he's amazing.  On the other hand, it's becoming more clear that we are probably not talking only bipolar disorder at this point.  Continued psychosis, including sensory hallucinations like spiders crawling on her skin, and new delusions (super powers) point to a darker disorder and I find that scary.

I need to sort through my waning expectation that things will return to normal - not that I haven't had a clue, but I do tend to hold on to my unrealistic expectations a tad too long.  I suppose it's because I long for a return to an innocence we won't ever have again.  So yes, I've heard we'll have a new normal, and I am often able to focus on our good moments, knowing that they're precious in a way I didn't understand even a couple of years ago.

But I'm not in the positive and accepting place that I see in the writing of so many incredible special needs parent blogs.  Those lovely folks just humble me in their grace and perseverance.  I can only hope it's an example I'll eventually come to emulate.