I've had a blissfully quiet morning, a gift in a hectic life, and a great time for reflection. The monster in the room these past several months is my fear that I haven't been a good enough mother to keep Lily safe. I have an uber case of mother's guilt - even if I don't exactly know what for.
Was I too impatient with Lily? Have I expected too much? Did I push too hard? Did I cause and/or make worse her mental illness? Am I blowing it on a daily basis even as I scramble to keep it together and help Lily and my son get through each day? Should I expect more, less, nothing at all? Am I asking all the right professionals all the right questions? Am I documenting Lily's daily symptoms and meds adequately? Should I also be tracking what she eats, how she sleeps and what she's feeling in every moment? Can I just video tape it all?
I make myself that much more crazed. The questions don't stop, my head is constantly spinning.
And I need a moment, this moment of quiet, to try to objectively evaluate what I'm doing, what I've been doing all this time.
To my surprise, I can see that I've managed the one thing that's always been most important to me. We're together, and we're safe.
I grew up in an unsafe household. I didn't want that for my kids. I've done everything in my power to protect my kids. I've been an overprotective mom for almost 32 years now. I'm not saying that's the best parenting practice, but it was a goal born of my experience, it was what I knew to do.
So while my blog clearly indicates my distress and uncertainty during this scary time, I'm finding a bit of compassion for myself and my efforts. We're struggling financially and emotionally, but with a little help, I'm successfully providing shelter and basic necessities, along with the best medical and mental health care I can find, for Lily and her brother. I probably - absolutely - have made mistakes during the past 8 months, hell, during the past 32 years, that impact my kids. But we're here - we're safe, in our home.
We're together, and we're safe. Home is safe.