Tuesday, May 31, 2011

At What Point Do You Lose Your Mind?

Am I done yet?  I'm sure getting close.  Lily is still very unstable.  Day to day, she can bring up invisible people, auditory or visual hallucinations, periodic anxiety, and always, always, the feeling of spiders on her skin.  She freaks out, forgive the layman term, and wants me to look and make sure there are no spiders there.  Some days are calmer, some are much more distressing.

So, at what point do I lose my mind?  I'm in week four of twenty four - seven care.  I'm getting little sleep.  I don't always shower.  I'm suffering from  a deficiency of adult contact.  No work.  No paycheck. No control.  I really hate that last part.  Control has been a close friend through the challenges of my life.

Do I sound callous yet?  Lily is suffering.  But several people, some of them professionals, have suggested that we examine the possibility of manipulation.  Not that some of what she experiences isn't genuine, I absolutely know there is real suffering going on.  But why does she pull it cheerfully together when we're doing what she wants?  Like shopping for her.  Or setting up a get together with her friends.

And why does she have a rapid deterioration of well being and an uptick in symptoms when we're doing something she doesn't like?  Is this part and parcel of her illness?  On what level?  How can I know that?  When I'm trying to explain to her that we need to approach a situation differently, that I need a short visit with a friend or that I'm going to cook a meal with meat, or watch  or listen to something she hasn't chosen, why does she immediately start having a frightening hallucination?  Does positive motivation truly allay her symptoms, and does any level of stress truly put her at risk of a psychotic episode?

I realize I'm revisiting a topic I've touched on before.  I suppose I'll keep coming back to this until I have a better understanding of what the hell I'm doing.  Or absolutely lose my mind.

1 comment:

  1. Oh Honey, I'm sorry I missed this post, as I miss so many others. I think of you often and wonder how you all are doing. I hear your angst, confusion, concern, and frustration. I frequently wonder if my O is responding to things or behaving in particular ways only when there are things that need to be done that she doesn't want to do, or there are people or things around her that she doesn't want and she is just being a "brat". I really hate to feel that way, but the evidence is right there staring me in the kisser with her condescending attitude alerting me to the idea that she thinks she's gotten away with something.