Little Lily's Day: More Psychosis

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

More Psychosis

Lily had a scary hallucination this morning. She woke up and saw a ghost like figure sitting on her bed and reaching out to touch her. She screamed for me - and I went running up the stairs. I'm grateful she wanted me to soothe her, but so discouraged and sad for her. I can't imagine how that must feel for her.

It's frustrating that she can go along for several weeks and be fine, and then the meds stop working as well, or perhaps the disorder, her psychosis, becomes stronger and . . . beats the meds. I don't understand the changing nature of her symptoms. We are sorely in need of a brilliant, guardian angel who can wave a wand and make it all better.

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UnknownJanuary 15, 2011 at 8:24 PM
I would love to send that magic angel your way if I could find one!
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About Me and My Blog

The centerpiece of this blog is my beautiful daughter. Lily (not her real name) is suffering from mental illness and we're working towards a diagnosis as her symptoms have grown and changed dramatically since summer 2010. Lily initially presented with high levels of anxiety and a surprising OCD fixation, tapping her head nine times upon hearing or reading the letters "ck" in a word.

What I didn't understand at the time, was that Lily was also beginning to experience psychosis. She would occasionally tell me she heard someone or something, but I took this to mean she heard our neighbors (through thin townhome walls). I downplayed what she had to say.

We've since experienced multiple hospitalizations for mania and psychosis, and a whole host of med changes. Lily has been scared and angry and confused. She's not interested in sharing her story in her own words at this point, but I realized a couple of months in that I deperately needed an outlet and a way to connect with a community that understood what we were experiencing as a family.

So this blog is about my experience as a parent of a child suffering from mental illness. I've been terrified, guilt ridden, shocked and angry. Mad at the world, and nearly every responsible adult in my child's life. The truth is that we've had knowledgeable and caring professionals on our side, but I didn't know enough about what was happening to understand.

The onset of mental illness is challenging because so many early symptoms are attributable to stress and life changes, including the hormonal changes in the brain and body of an adolescent. I'm learning fast, just not as fast as I'd like. I want all the answers yesterday, and I want to know exactly what to expect tomorrow. I don't particularly care about being reasonable, I want some answers.

And I miss my daughter. I know, she's right here, but she's not. Lily is brilliant and funny and the most talented person I know. She can whip out a ceramic sculpture or wonderfully funny story without breaking a sweat. She can outcook most adults, and she takes sweet tender care of her pet bunny. I used to get great snuggles and we laughed so much every day. I didn't know what we had. The affection is mostly gone, as is the laughter. Now when I see a glimpse of either, it brings me to tears. There's my girl.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

More Psychosis

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