Yesterday you could have knocked me over with a feather! Heck, I would have somersaulted and rolled with it! Lila and I went to the market, both of us in good spirits. When we got out of the car and walked across the parking lot, Lily put her arm around my waist and wanted to duck walk with me to the store entrance. Seriously. So we did, laughing all the way.
My daughter voluntarily displayed physical affection. To me. I'm still stunned.
Later in the evening she was stressed out about homework, and got teary. She has one particularly intense teacher and she doesn't yet know how to deal with his energy. After listening to him on back to school night, I'd say he's a bit different. Eccentric, but not necessarily accepting of others' differences.
So, I helped her with her homework, rubbed her back and got her settled in bed. This morning she got up and got ready, but balked when we pulled up to the school. She had an anxious reaction, upset stomach and tight throat. I spent a few minutes trying to reason with her and get her to just go to class, but eventually I needed to drive to my son's school to drop him off. Lily went with me, so I found a nice place to park after getting her brother to school. I gave Lily some ativan to take the edge off the anxiety, and we talked through some of what's bothering her at school. She couldn't pull it together enough to go to school at that point, so we headed home, with the understanding that she wouldn't have access to electronic entertainment until she returned to school.
I was so disappointed and frustrated. Angry at myself for not getting her to go to school, frustrated with her for not just sucking it up. I put on some music, one of my favorites things to do, and went home to clean house. I missed out on my walk (I tried with Lily but she didn't feel well) and my peaceful morning to myself. I canceled an appointment.
Lily finally was ready to try to go to class after lunch. She was going in time to sit in on the dreaded teacher's class, so I have to give her credit. She's trying.
But I'm super sensitized to the fear of backsliding. I can't go back and give up my classes, the dancing, the progress we've made on the home front. I don't want her to slide back into depression and fear. I want to see more of the laughter and affection. I do realize she's made incredible strides. That's all the more reason to want to see it continue. I think we were mistaken about the level of illness and her inability to cope last year. She can do more than we realized. But I need more help keeping her on track. I need a better game plan, so that we don't flounder before school. I know our therapists will help with that. Thank goodness.