Wednesday, September 14, 2011

I am a Weepy Mess!

I am, truly, but it's a good thing, really!  We had a family therapy session today with Lily's new therapist, at our house.  No kidding.  She comes to us, and she's amazing.  Smart, experienced, intuitive, thoughtful.  She is able to explain things to Lily in a way that seems to be breaking through Lily's hard shell.

It's no secret that this year has been hell.  Lily has suffered so much, and she is depressed and angry and fearful.  Not that she can articulate those emotions (except for the anger, but then that is misdirected).  She has been wanting answers as much or more than anyone else.  So she researches and tries to figure it all out, and when the current therapy or med isn't doing the trick, she self diagnoses with another ailment.  She doesn't trust that I can help her figure it out, she seems only able to trust herself.

But Miss M, the new psychologist, knows her sh*t.  She efficiently and clearly explains how disorders differ and what she looks for in a diagnosis.  And - she's on Lily's wavelength.  Lily has little patience for mindfulness tools that have directions.  She doesn't want to process something as simple as: stop, place your hands on your knees, take a breath for 3 to 4 seconds, slowly exhale, repeat 3 to 4 times.  She has a valid perspective.  When she's angry, frustrated or fearful, she needs something she doesn't even have to think about.  Miss M is on this.  She totally empathizes.  Even I didn't understand this.  I kept thinking, how do you know unless you just try? 

And get this.  Miss M, when I expressed my wish that she let me know where I can improve my parenting, said she thinks I'm a good parent.  I said, oh, well but I get impatient and grumpy sometimes.  And Miss M told me that even Freud said we all should be able to have our rough spots and lumps, that we don't have to be perfect.

So, wow.  That sums it up and yet doesn't even begin to touch this experience.  We have incredible therapeutic behavior providers coming to our home multiple times a week.  The school is frigging fantastic.  I even went to a dance class last weekend.  A dance class.  For me.  And I had fun.  How long has it been since I honestly had real fun?

So yes, I am just completely weepy.  For how amazing things are in this moment.  For how horrible things were the past year.  For the support I now feel.

Can I just say, I've been so scared.  So scared that things wouldn't get better.  So scared that I was to blame (even when I know better, I felt like she's my kid, I'm supposed to have all the answers and understand what she's going through).  So afraid that because I'm a single parent and don't have anyone to step in and share this responsibility that I could be handling it all wrong.  So sad that I didn't have anyone to share this responsibility with.  No one to really lean on.

I feel so relieved and exhausted that I could sleep for a month.  Not that we don't a boat load of work ahead of us, but I'm not doing it alone.


  1. I just found your blog and can really relate to this new phase in your life. After years of our son's mental illness getting worse, we are seeing things change for the better thanks to the recent addition of Lithium. I never knew that our life could even resemble the experience we are now having. It may not always stay this good, but it's nice to bask in the glow of all this goodness after being in the dark for so long! I hope that you can find joy in the many days that are ahead of you!

    I have added your blog to my blog roll at:

  2. So happy for you both and that you are doing fun things for yourself. I completely relate to the feeling that you're somehow to blame, even when, intellectually, you know you're not. It's really hard to completely let go of that.